Raising children in Lithuanian and English: what families actually do

At the weekend school in Manchester where I help out, the parents' conversations in the coffee room tend to circle the same few questions. Is it too late? Is she confused? Why does he answer me in English? Should we stop Lithuanian until his English catches up at nursery? Behind all of them sits a bigger worry: that the language will quietly slip away and the children will not notice until they are grown.

There is no single right method, and families who keep Lithuanian going rarely follow a textbook. What they share is a handful of habits, kept up stubbornly, and realistic expectations about each age. This is what I have seen work, and what parents can expect along the way.

The arrangements families choose

Most families settle on one of four arrangements, often without naming it.

None of these is magic. What makes any of them work is the amount of Lithuanian the child hears and the number of people they hear it from. A child who hears Lithuanian from one parent for an hour a day is in a very different position from a child who hears it from two parents, a grandmother on video and twenty children at Saturday school.

What families actually do day to day

Keep one person consistent

Children are practical. If they learn that Mum answers whatever language they use, they will use the easy one. The parents I see doing best are not strict, but they are steady: they keep speaking Lithuanian even when the answer comes back in English, and they gently repeat the child's English sentence in Lithuanian before moving on.

Make the home a Lithuanian place

Some families keep a "kitchen rule": in the kitchen, Lithuanian only. Others keep it for meals, or for the car on the school run. A rule tied to a place or a routine is easier to keep than a vague promise to "speak more Lithuanian".

Books every night

Reading aloud in Lithuanian at bedtime is probably the single most common habit among families whose children grow up speaking well. It adds words that do not come up at the dinner table, and it is ten calm minutes the child usually enjoys. Picture books first, then chapter books read in instalments. The learning shelf has starting points if you are building a collection from abroad.

Grandparents on video

A grandmother in Klaipėda who calls every Sunday is worth a great deal, because she gives the child a reason to speak Lithuanian that has nothing to do with parents. Short, regular calls work better than long, rare ones. Small children talk more if the call has a job: showing a drawing, singing a song from Saturday school, reading one page aloud.

Saturday school and friends

Weekend school gives children something the home cannot: other children who speak Lithuanian. That is often where a child who answers in English at home first starts answering in Lithuanian. Our piece on how Lithuanian Saturday schools work explains what to expect there.

Summers in Lithuania

Two or three weeks with cousins, at the seaside or in a grandparent's village, often does more for a child's spoken Lithuanian than months at home. Children come back speaking faster and with new slang, and that boost usually fades by October. That is normal. The point of the trip is also that the language becomes tied to people and places the child loves.

Screens, used on purpose

Lithuanian cartoons, children's songs and audiobooks have their place, especially for families where only one parent speaks the language. They work best when an adult watches or listens too and talks about them afterwards. On their own, screens add exposure but not conversation.

What to expect at each age

These are broad patterns, not milestones to measure a child against. Every child is different, and children growing up with two languages vary even more than others.

Birth to two

Babies take in both languages from the start. Talk, sing and name things in Lithuanian. The first words may come in either language, or as a mixture.

Two to four

Vocabulary grows quickly, but it is spread across two languages. A child may know "spoon" in English and šaukštas in Lithuanian, or only one of the two. Mixing within a sentence ("Aš noriu the red one") is very common at this age and is not a sign of confusion. Children use whatever word they have.

Four to seven

This is the age when English usually takes over. Nursery and school bring hours of English a day, friends speak it, and the child notices that English works everywhere. Many children begin to answer Lithuanian in English during this stage. Keep going. Children in this phase usually still understand Lithuanian well, and that understanding is the base you build on.

Seven to twelve

Reading and writing in Lithuanian become possible and useful, often through weekend school. Children who can read Lithuanian have a source of the language that does not depend on their parents. This is also the age when friendships at Lithuanian school, dance groups or summer camps start to matter in their own right.

Teenagers

Teenagers often push away from anything their parents care about, and Lithuanian can be part of that. Many come back to it later, sometimes surprising their parents with how much they kept. A trip to Lithuania with friends of their own age, a summer camp or a part-time job at a Lithuanian event can matter more at this stage than any rule at home.

Common questions

"Two languages will confuse my child or delay their speech."

The general view among speech and language professionals is that learning two languages does not in itself cause speech or language problems. A bilingual child's words are spread across two languages, so the vocabulary in each one may look smaller for a while; that is different from a delay. If a child has a real speech or language difficulty, it usually shows up in both languages, and that is a reason to ask a professional, not to drop Lithuanian.

"My child understands everything but only answers in English."

This is the most common situation of all, and it is a good starting point. Children who understand a language can usually be helped to speak it, given situations where speaking it is necessary: a grandparent who does not speak English, a summer in Lithuania, a class where everyone speaks Lithuanian.

"My own Lithuanian is not good enough."

Many parents who grew up abroad feel this, especially if they learned the language from their own grandparents. Speak the Lithuanian you have. Read aloud from books, which supplies the grammar for you. Bring in other speakers where you can. A child who hears imperfect Lithuanian from a loving parent is better off than one who hears none.

"The school told us to speak only English at home."

This advice is still given sometimes, though it is less common than it used to be. Dropping the home language rarely speeds up English, which children pick up quickly at school, and it can cut a child off from grandparents. If a teacher raises it, ask what specific problem they are trying to solve.

"My partner feels left out."

In mixed families, the parent who does not speak Lithuanian can feel excluded at meals and on calls. It helps to translate a little, to keep some family time in English without guilt, and to let the other parent learn alongside the child. Many partners pick up more than they expect from children's books.

A sample week

For a family where one parent speaks Lithuanian and the child is around six, a realistic week might look like this:

• Monday to Friday: Lithuanian breakfast talk, Lithuanian on the walk or drive to school, a bedtime story in Lithuanian.
• Wednesday evening: a short video call with grandparents, with something to show them.
• Thursday: ten minutes of Saturday school homework.
• Saturday: weekend school, then lunch with another Lithuanian family.
• Sunday: a Lithuanian song or cartoon over breakfast, and a phone call with a cousin of similar age.

None of this takes more than an hour on a weekday. It adds up because it happens every week.

The long view

Families who keep Lithuanian going usually describe it as a long series of small, ordinary choices rather than a project. The children of those families do not all grow up fluent, and that is fine. Some speak well, some understand everything and speak a little, some come back to the language at twenty-five. A child who grows up hearing Lithuanian has something to return to.

If you are the parent who carries the language in your house, find one other family to share the load: swap books, meet in the park, take turns hosting. More pieces on everyday life between two countries are in the notes from abroad circle. Start tonight with one book and one song, and keep that slot every night for a month before you judge whether it is working.